How To Make Super Bowl Commercials Stronger, Greater and More Powerful Than Ever Before

This is an article written for Devlib.org -- where I often do various freelance work. It's long, so I apologize. But it's funny. I promise you that, it's funny enough for milk to come shooting out of your eye.

Enjoy.

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Sweat fills the cool winter air, the sound of cleats drifts softly through the snow-covered trees and the sight of jockstraps bring smiles to the face of nearly every American -- that's right, it's time for the Super Bowl.

The creme de la creme of any sporting event in America (we stress America -- as the rest of the world could not only care less, but could care even less than that) is here and we're not only excited about the man-on-man smashing and the onslaught of overused, tired Janet Jackson jokes, but also the commercials -- oh, how we love the commercials.

Why else would we sit around groups of people who are suddenly huge football fans asking us what, exactly, entails a touchdown -- why else would we watch ten seconds of the game and then an hour of deliberating by the refs, the announcers, the coaches and the player's mothers? Because, of the seventeen hours we spend watching -- at least sixteen and a half are spent watching beer commercials that make us laugh wildly.

This year is a little different for us, however. Frankly, we were a little disappointed with last year's commercials -- sure, they were funny, sure, they were clever, but we're getting tired of the same old products, the same old jokes, the same old hot girl wearing practically nothing. Well, maybe not the last thing -- but you get the point.

That is why we, the eyes, ears, voice and crippled left leg of the people present to you -- our readers, NBC and companies who sell stuff -- our list of commercial ideas for the Super Bowl.

Ready? Here's the kick off...

More Independant Filmmaking...
It's not about the product, it's about the triumph of the human spirit and how it's represented through love, chaos and Duracell.

The professionals have had the wheel for far too long -- it's time to let the budding amateur filmmaker have a go at entertaining America.

Picture this: an empty room with a single, blank-staring monkey in its center. Suddenly, a loud siren! Water rushes through the room -- a woman sobs gently as her lover yells at a signpost. Shadows reflect on the wall of a building covered with overused and obvious political rhetoric ("War is Bad!") -- suddenly, a scream, a bark, and a nuclear explosion fill our eyes and ears.

All is black.

"Sprite -- Obey Your Thirst."


More Political and Geopolitical Relevancy...
Society is failing, people are dying -- get the new iPod!

Let's face it, the state of the world, politics, and the ever-changing, ever-moving global events of our time are severely underplayed in the Super Bowl. Imagine the polar ice caps melting, people everywhere dying from war, imagine disease and famine, imagine poverty and crime, imagine nuclear holocausts and the dying words of friends and family -- now imagine popping open a Heineken and drinking it all away.

See what we're saying? It practically sells itself.

More Philosophy...
Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow. Drink Coke.

Francis Bacon, Aristotle and Plato are severely underused in today's media. Just think -- a man is chained in a cave, staring blankly at the wall in front of him. Behind him is a blazing fire, and behind that are the men who keep him captive -- walking back and forth, working, and casting their shadows on the wall in front of the prisoner.

All he sees are the shadows, all he knows are the shadows until... a Dodge Truck, driven by Plato himself, smashes through the fire, cuts the chains, and frees the man both physically and figuratively -- the Allegory of the Dodge Truck, how can you not buy the car after that?

Plus, the tagline writes itself -- "Dodge -- grab life by its metaphysical horns that are the science of the universal essence of that which is actual. Get one today."

More Plot...
It was the best of deodorants, it was the worst of deodorants... Old Spice.

We get it, the girl wants the guy because the guy put on a deodorant (and not because his bicep can support her entire body) -- it's just too simple, there just isn't enough depth. What's her motivation? Why does she want him? Is it, perhaps, because her father used to wear the deodorant but, because of his factory job and playboy lifestyle never spent much time with his daughter? Is it because she spent nights alone, weeping into his deodorant-laden shirt, asking why, father, why have you forsaken me? Maybe it's something else entirely -- maybe the deodorant saved her brother from drowning and now she associates heroism with Old Spice.

And even then -- after they get together, what happens? How does the relationship progress? Do they end up together? Does the thrill of deodorant wear off eventually (after a shower, perhaps)? Does he leave her for greener (beerer) pastures?

God knows there's enough time for it -- let's get a little story in our commercials.

More Spin-Offs...
Does the guy get the girl? Does the girl keep the guy? Does Budweiser survive? Stay tuned...

You know that commercial you saw at the end of the first quarter? Where that girl is driving a hip, rough-riding, tough car in the desert and, seeing a hitchhiker, she picks him up and together they drive (off-road) into the sunset?

Well, now it's the third quarter, let's see another product but the same story. Let's see her chloroform him, take his wallet, his dignity and his manhood and dump his barely breathing body under a cactus. As she drives off, perhaps he notices she didn't take his Budweiser -- he pops it open and is not only refreshed but, hey, the can is still cool.

See what we did there? It not only has a storyline, but it advertises a car, a beer, and chloroform (nature's aphrodesiac). How has no one done this yet?

More Petty Insults and Public Displays of Hatred...
Pepsi says it cares about people -- but what about all the people that Pepsi killed?

Commercial-makers need to take their cue from petty quasi-celebrities that nobody cares about (we're looking at you, Rosie and Donald) and start attacking one another with equally petty insults. The more childish, the better -- a stern narrator and inverted picture of whatever you're attacking really drives the point home.

We'd like to see how many ex-wives Coke has had, or how many hookers Pepsi may or may not have murdered. We'd like to see which terrible proposition the new Dodge truck voted on and we'd like to know exactly what will happen to our children and our children's children after they buy an iPod.

After all -- if there's one thing the general populace responds positively to its negativity.

More People Representing Inanimate Objects...
Hi, I'm an Apple, and I'm a PC -- allow us to introduce you to our friends, Diet Pepsi and Xolorax.

Sometimes, it's hard to understand what exactly a product does unless that product is represented by actors playing said product.

For example, we're probably not going to buy the new Zune, as we have an iPod already -- however, if the Zune, represented by, say, Scarlett Johanson, slapped the iPod, represented by, oh, let's go with Kathy Griffin -- you better believe we're going out to get the Zune and put Kathy Griffin where she belongs -- in a cellar, far away from the general public.

It's just psychology -- we're not buying the product, we're buying the actor that plays the product depending on how funny/hot they are.

More Commercials...
Maybe She's Born With It. Maybe It's Maybelline. Maybe She's Born With It. Maybe It's Maybelline. Maybe She's Born With It. Maybe It's Maybelline. Maybe She's Born With It. Maybe It's Maybelline. Maybe She's Born With It. Maybe It's Maybelline.

Let's face the honest fact here -- the Super Bowl isn't really about the game, it's about the spectacle -- so, let's do it, let's shorten the quarters and lengthen the commercials. Let's squeeze as much hilarity, half-nakedness and all around good time into every free second of every free minute of every free hour of every Super Bowl.

It's like every single man will tell you -- quantity always beats out quality -- so, this year, we ask you, the commercial-makers, to stuff our pretty little eyes with all the products your pretty little Third World Countries can make -- we won't only love them...

We'll buy them.

We'll buy them at Ross.

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About The Author:

Yuri Baranovsky has, for the last three years, lived inside the Super Bowl football and did intensive research on the game itself. He has also, in-between bathroom breaks, managed to film a few of his own short films -- one that you can specifically watch at www.breakaleg.tv.

Nowadays, you'll find him living inside a keyboard, blogging and writing about things of which he knows very little but writes about a whole lot.

Hello, Bonjour, Zdrasti, and Hello Again, Just In Case.

My first post marks the beginning of something new, fresh and mysterious. Something that will, much like a snowball, snowball into something large, white, and vaguely sphere-shaped. Unless I give up after a day or two, in which case, it won't so much snowball as, well, do nothing at all.

But I digress.

Here, in my blog, I will post a variety of things. Be it adventures in filming, be it articles I've written for people and places, or be it something else entirely different and creative. Maybe I'll write everything backwards, like Da Vinci, binging on hashish, making prehistoric helicopters and placing myself into my own painting of a woman with an extraordinary forehead.

But I digress.

If my blog goes on, and on and on, I promise, and this is a very solemn promise, I promise to be entertaining. And if I'm not -- then I demand you call me out, and I'll be so funny, you'll practically die from it all.

And now... I go digress.